Double Feature is set for a release in mid-July. That means, for the next month and change, we’re going to be constantly reminding you of this fact, and encouraging you to buy multiple copies upon its release!
Of course, it also means we’re going to share some of the awesomeness that Double Feature will contain. Every Friday in June, we’ll be sharing something new and awesome about Double Feature. Today, it’s two teaser scenes from the first feature in Double Feature, Vernon D. Burns’s “Furry Piranha.”
…The sky was growing dark and tepid, like the final unfinished swallow of a very strong tea. The mosquitos were out in force, terrorizing the white folks. Vegas and Fidel had retired to the river bank, where they cautiously smoked and caked their brown skin in thick layers of mud.
“Goddamned savages,” Cynthia said, slapping at an errant insect as it lighted on her skin. Her pale flesh, a real treat to behold in a dark room, was turning pink and splotchy, making her look more like a freshly plucked chicken than a hot number.
“They’re the savages?” ejaculated Cliff Parker. “Look at them. They’re the only ones here who are even remotely comfortable! I’d say they are the only ones with their priorities in order.”
“If you like them so much, why don’t you marry them?” Cynthia retorted, drawing to her full height of five feet and four inches.
Cliff threw up his hands in disgust and charged toward the muddy bank. Amanda bit her lip in apprehension, while Cynthia fumed in self-righteous anger; the two women could not be more different.
“I wouldn’t get too much closer, cabron,” Vegas said.
“What?” Cliff asked absent-mindedly as he reached for some mud.
“Closer,” said Vegas. “I wouldn’t recommend it.”
Cliff’s look of confusion turned to one of terror as what looked like a toothy gray bullet covered in coarse brown hair shot from the water and snapped its impressive jaws just inches from his face before it disappeared into the depths once more. Cliff had never seen such a display, not even when he’d worked at the exotic pet store as a teenager.
“What the hell was that?” Cliff demanded, stumbling onto his backside in fear.
“Piranha,” Vegas and Fidel said in unison before sharing a hearty laugh.
“That was no piranha,” Cliff insisted. “That damned thing was covered in fur!”
“Like I said,” said Vegas. “They mutated. After the U.S. government testing, the deforestation caused the water to get colder. The piranha grew fur so they wouldn’t freeze.”
“What? Really? That can happen?”
Fidel nodded sagely, tendrils of smoke drifting up his face and into the sky.
“Wait. What about the rest of the fish? Are they furry, too? Where are they?”
“Dead, cabron. Stone cold dead.”
Not exciting enough for you? Alright:
Sweat dripped from Cliff’s chin as he struggled with the fishing rod, hoping it didn’t break. It was already bending dangerously as he tried to reel in whatever was on the end of his line. “Come to papa, you dirty little fish!” he said.
Finally, he reeled it in further. Hanging there and struggling against the wire was a four or five-inch fish covered in bushy grey fur.
He stared at it, still finding it hard to believe his eyes. Everything he understood about science was thrown into question by this hateful creature. Its solid white pupil seemed filled with hatred and the need to devour. It looked like a really angry toupee.
Just then, he heard a gun fire further down the river. Dropping the fishing pole into the water, Cliff jumped to his feet and rushed to the very edge of the promontory. Looking further down, he saw one of their guides standing in the water, firing down into the water, as the other guide swam through the water and pushed Amanda Handy’s unconscious body out of the water and onto the shore.
Without reflecting as long as would have been advisable, Cliff dove from the cliff into the water and began furiously swimming toward the crazy shit that was happening. He didn’t care about anything in that moment other than rescuing that mysterious beauty, Amanda.
He felt dozens of little teeth clamp down on his bicep, trying to eat him. Grunting with pain, he forced that pain down with pure determination. His well-muscled arms cut through the water like the blades of a motor boat, his noble form moving rapidly toward Amanda where she lay on the shore, Vegas sliding his pants down as he crouched over her. A bunch of the furry fish, flipping from the water and making their way across land, seemed to be bouncing ever closer to the little brown guide.
Cliff dragged himself from the water, his robe left far behind, his chiseled torso glistening in the sunlight. He really wished he weren’t wearing Batman underwear, and now wished he’d just put on some normal clothes instead of wearing that goddamn robe while he was fishing. It was an entirely impractical article of clothing in the best of times; why had he even cleared up the space to bring it along into the jungle? a little battery-powered fan would’ve been more practical, that’s for sure. Or even a few extra issues of Men’s Health in case he grew bored.
Then, Cliff saw something that really caught him off guard. In one deft movement, Amanda grasped the guide and pitched him completely over her into the jungle. As part of the same fluid movement, she somersaulted further away, coming to her feet and pulling out two knives.
One of the piranhas chose this moment to make its move, flipping right toward her face. With a quick slice, Amanda cut the fish perfectly in half, bisecting it down the middle. Another fish then attacked and got a taste of the same medicine. Moving fiercely forward, her arms faster than a martial artist on cocaine, Amanda was bisecting fish left and right. A few of them made it past her blades and bit the fabric of her shirt, tearing parts of it away. Finally, though, Amanda stood panting, surrounded by blood and furry pieces of fish.
That’s when Cliff knew for certain there was something Amanda wasn’t telling him, and he wanted to get to the bottom of it. She was truly an amazing woman, and he thought that it would just take the right man to break through the wall of ice that surrounded her emotions.
Vegas came running out of the bushes, his pants back on, and he looked at the chaos surrounding Amanda. With his lip quivering, he said, “What are you doing out here? Scalping Indians?”
Amanda walked over to the water, rinsing fish blood from her arms. “If you ever try to rape me again, I’m just going to let the furry piranhas eat you,” she said, anger in her voice. Vegas recognized the seriousness of her tone, and bowed his head in shame.
Just then, Cynthia Bush rushed from the woods, running toward them in impractical designer high heels. “The Paconas! The Paconas! They’re coming for us!”
There you are. A couple small nibbles from the first entree! Keep checking back for a look at the book’s cover art, a couple choice scenes from “The Curse of the Screwnicorn,” and other excitement that we won’t reveal just yet.
If you haven’t read Gods of the Jungle Planet yet, now is the time to do so! Check it out on Amazon!