Category Archives: Important News

Lots of news!

To quote the African American Jamaican Bob Marley, we have so much things to say! Many great things have happened in the last twenty-four hours. For one, my AIDS test came back negative. Bam! Talk about good news.

Second, Double Feature is on sale now. Yes, it is officially purchasable on Amazon.com right here.

Second, both Gods of the Jungle Planet and Double Feature can now be purchased in lovely print copies! True, they cost much more than the Kindle versions, and this is something we wish were avoidable. However, apparently paper and ink cost a bit more to produce than the nothing required to make an e-book. Who knew? Have a look at the details here.

What is on the horizon? Well, Winged Leviathan will be going on sale any minute now, and we will let you know the very millisecond that it happens. Until then, don’t worry, be happy, to quote Bob Marley again.

Double Feature is Double Done.

As of today, Double Feature has been written. With some minor adjustments, formatting decisions, and animal sacrifices still to go, this does not mean the book will be out instantaneously . . . but it will be out quite soon. Probably right around the same time as Winged Leviathan, which is slated for a release on August 27th. That is less than a month from now, in case you haven’t been paying attention. Are you excited? Do you want a prerelease copy? If so, get in touch with us! Like a child who found a dead bird in the backyard and snuck it to school in his or her backpack, we’re excited to show this off!

Winged Leviathan Teaser!

“Come, Galina, the water is perfect!” Eduard said, cupping his hand and splashing water at her. He waded deeper into the small lake, still in awe of the view from this spot in the Greater Caucasus. They could look down upon rolling green hills to their south, while to their north, great peaks thrust upward, mist drifting among their snowy heights.

“You just want to see me in my bikini!” Galina said, teasingly walking along the edge of the water.

“Oh, c’mon, stop being such a wet blanket! We didn’t come out here just for the view,” he said, doing the back stroke through the water. To himself, he said, “Not of the mountains, anyway.”

Galina slid out of her shirt and shorts, diving into the water and swimming toward him. She stayed deep under the water, her eyes open, as she neared the boy. The two neighbors had been friends forever, but now had reached the age where they were seeing one another differently. Eduard had become strong and handsome, while Galina had become excruciatingly hot. Yes, things had changed a lot since they were little first-graders playing house. Now, they were both 22, and had more than house on their minds.

Grabbing his leg, Galina pulled Eduard under water and held him there as he kicked and struggled. Finally, she let go and swam to the surface with a laugh.

“Why, you little. . . “ Eduard said, good-naturedly, and grabbed her by the hair, forcing her underwater. He wrapped his legs around her neck and used his weight to keep her submerged for a little more than a minute. All the while, she was struggling, trying to get free. Finally, he released and she swam to the top.

Both of them were laughing, looking into one another’s eyes as they dog-paddled. As their breathing grew more normalized, they slowly moved closer to one another. For the first time, Eduard felt the courage to do something he’d been thinking about all summer. He moved in and kissed her on her big, soft lips.

The whole world seemed to fall away, like everything was spinning. His eyes closed as his hands slid around her waist. Eduard felt like he was falling, and perhaps he was: falling ever deeper into a love that had grown from so many years of a close friendship. The same girl who had helped him learn to ride a bike was going to be the first girl to teach how to ride . . . well, other things.

It wasn’t until the two felt themselves pulled apart as they plunged deeper into the water that they realized something was wrong. Although their kiss had, in fact, been very good, the sensations they felt were the result of a slight tremor in the mountains. That tremor had caused a hole to form at the bottom of the lake, and like a toilet, the whole lake had drained down through it. They had now fallen more than forty feet into an underground lake where they both clamored back to the surface. It was almost entirely black within the cavern, a single column of light flooding down through the hole they had just fallen.

“What just happened?” Galina said. “Where are we?”

“I think we’re in a cave,” said Eduard, looking up at the hole above them. “That’s total bullshit. How did that happen?”

“We got flushed,” said Galina disbelievingly. “How did we get flushed? Geologically, does that make any sense?”

“Just stay calm,” he said in a voice that was less than convincing. “I’ll get you out of here.”

Galina rolled her eyes. “Oh. So, since I’m a woman, I obviously need rescuing by you. Because you’re a man.”

“This is no time to debate gender stereotypes!” Eduard said in a manly tone. “We need to get out of this water. And figure out whether there’s any way out of this cavern.”

“Obviously,” Galina said, swimming in a randomly selected direction. Since they could see almost nothing, she figured one way would be as good as the next.

Eduard remained in the same location. “Hold on a minute, let’s be rational. We need to see which way the water is moving.”

Galina looked back at him. “It was moving away from us. Because we just fell into it.” Then, she continued swimming in her chosen direction. Eduard was still uncomfortable with the idea of swimming into total darkness, and was certain there would be something to base their direction on.

“Stop being such a pussy and come on!” she called back. That is when she felt something beneath her, touching the bottoms of her feet. Sand. She was nearing the shore, or at least had found a sand bar. Water dripping from her, Galina waded from the water and further onto land. Frustrated by her continued inability to see anything, fear was finally setting in.

Eduard was now looking around, his hand blocking out the light that was shining down upon him, and was looking at the tiny flickers of illumination bouncing around the room from where the light collided with the lake. After he had been doing this for a moment, things were beginning to come slightly more into focus. He could see that Galina was now wading out of the water. He could see that many stalactites hung down from the ceiling with twisted, jagged points. As his eyes made their way across the ceiling, he was confused to see another stalactite sticking sideways from a small, stone outcropping with a smooth surface. And a closed eye lid. And a big face.

“Galina! Stop! It’s a unicorn!”

Galina turned around, her seductive physique silhouetted in the faint light. “A unicorn? There’s no such thing. And anyway, if there was one, why would I be scared-”

“Get away from the unicorn,” he said, trying to keep his voice from exciting the tremendous creature with the head of a bull.

“I’m not running from a unicorn. Maybe we can ride it to safety,” she said. “Where is it?”

The gargantuan beast’s eyes opened, an eerie blue light emitting from them. It tottered forward, crashing its way through the stalactites until it began crouching over Galina. As she looked up at it, light from its eyes made it possible to make out the tremendous head of a bull with razor sharp teeth.

Her fear and her annoyance at Eduard were struggling for dominance, but her annoyance won. “Eduard, you call THAT a unicorn? You dumbass, that is obviously a minotaur! If you had said ‘minotaur,’ I would’ve ran like hell, but now there’s no time, because the goddamn thing is–”

Just then, the beast reached down and snatched her from the ground. She was jerked through the air, screaming. It took a big bite like she was a candy bar, chewing and crunching her, then taking another bite, finally finishing her off and licking its fingers.

“A minotaur,” Eduard said, now wondering if this was really just some horrific nightmare. The beast moved forward, splashing through the water and quickly moving towards him. It opened its mouth, letting out a scream, and he could see that one of Galina’s legs was stuck between its teeth.

“Of course. A minotaur. It’s a minotaur that just ate Galina. Because a unicorn would just be silly.”

Chapter 1

Sergeant Moscow pushed the door open and stepped into Dr. Thompson’s office, confidently striding over to the desk. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, doctor.”

“You must be Moscow,” the doctor said with a smile, standing up with a nervous energy. Moscow had a tendency to make some men uncomfortable; after all, he’d always been naturally strong. His time in the U.S. Marines had only served to make his strong physical presence even more powerful. Not to mention his otherworldly good looks: he had a strong jaw line, and piercing brown eyes that knew no fear. He shook the smaller man’s hand, lightening his grip as he saw the doctor wince.

“It’s a pleasure,” the doctor said. “Have a seat. Would you like a cigar?”

“Thank you,” Moscow said, leaning forward and taking the Cuban that was offered to him.

The doctor leaned back in his chair, adjusting his spectacles. “How much have they told you about this expedition, sergeant?”

“Honestly, doctor, they’ve told me barely anything.” Moscow lit the cigar and drew in a deep lungful of smoke. “I know it’s going to take us into the heart of Russian territory, into the most remote of mountains. Maybe it’s a habit of working in the Marines, but I don’t ask for more information than is offered.”

With a smile, the doctor leaned forward. “This will be an expedition to try and locate what is probably the oldest church on the planet. This church, as far as I can tell from the few sources that know of it, is at least as old as the son of God himself.”

Sliding his hand over his buzz cut, Moscow said, “What’s the big deal about that? Why are we sending men in, especially now, when we’re on the brink of World War II?”

With a nervous laugh, Dr. Thompson said, “My friend, the political squabbles between our countries are but flickers, like a stroke of lightning, when you look at the broad sweep of history. This church has survived with virtually no changes for longer than any of these bickering nations. We believe great secrets are housed in this place.”

“But why is the military interested?”

With a shrug, the doctor adjusted his tie. “The military is always on the hunt for bigger, better weapons. We don’t know what we may find at this church, and someone decided there’s a lot of potential for discovery there. Your friend, General Palmer, has been very interested in this investigation since I first made the proposal.”

Standing up, the doctor walked over to the window, looking out with his hands clasped behind him. “You see, Franklin–”

“Moscow, sir,” he said. “I’ve never liked my last name.”

“Alright, Moscow. We believe you and your men will be able to protect our scientists and historians as they do their investigations. You’ve come personally recommended by General Palmer, and we deeply hope you’ll help us get deep into the enemy territory, and all the way up into the Greater Caucuses, so we can find out more about this church.” With a meaningful glance, the doctor said, “We truly don’t know what we will find there….and they say you’ve had some experience with things that can’t be rationally explained.”

“I don’t know who ‘they’ are, but ‘they’ are likely to get a boot in the mouth if ‘they’ don’t learn to mind their own business.” Defensively, Moscow crossed his arms, tapping his foot on the ground.

“I’m sorry if that’s a touchy area, friend, but you have exactly the kind of experience we would find most valuable. I understand it is asking a lot of you to pull you away from the field of battle, at such an important point during the opening stages of World War 2. But if General Palmer is right, and there is a weapon that can be harnessed by the U.S.A. to get a strong advantage….well, I’m sure you want to help make that happen, don’t you, Moscow?”

Furrowing his brows, Moscow rubbed the cigar out on the sole of his shoe. “Let me see if I have this straight, doc. You’re asking me to stop killing the Japs right when the killing is getting good, so I can babysit some academics in the center of Communist territory…all because you armchair theorists believe there’s some weapon at a church?”

Swallowing, the doctor’s adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Well, er—yes, that’s precisely it.”

He stood and, with a sigh, flicked the cigar into a waste basket. “Alright, I’m in. When are we leaving?”

The Good / Bad News

It is now that we must eat crow. Despite the best intentions, Double Feature is not going to be finished and ready for publication this month.

Vernon D. Burns is unable to continue his contribution to the project at the moment due to having inadvertently severed both of his hands. He is truly hoping that a hand transplant can be found soon, and that the new hands do not turn out to be evil.

After our meal of crow, we will wash it down with a celebratory Irish coffee and a slice of tiramisu. Why, you ask? Because a new Guy & Campbell author is putting the finishing touches on a manuscript right now. Forrest Audobon is a talented young author. You may know him for his erotic gay Amish short stories which have been published widely online. Although he has written short fiction prolifically, some of which we hope to feature on this blog soon, he is now concluding his very first novel, Winged Leviathan.

What is it about? It is about this:

Moscow leads a hard-as-nails crew of marines who never turn away from a good fight. But, venturing into Russian territory on the brink of World War II in the hopes of stealing an incredible weapon is enough to set anyone on edge. Not to mention the fact that they’re escorting scientists—the sexy and spunky Miss McKnight and the hilarious and absentminded Mr. Hayes—to a church that predates the birth of Christ. What is this ancient weapon the scientists hope to find? What else will they find at this strange, secluded church in the highest Caucasus mountains? Moscow has seen some crazy things in his time, but nothing that will compare with….

THE WINGED LEVIATHAN!

Doesn’t that just get your nipples hard? I know it does mine. Winged Leviathan will undoubtedly beat Double Feature to release, and we hope to see its commercial release by early August. Special reviewer copies will begin circulating the interweb well before that.

Thanks for your patience when it comes to Double Feature. Guy & Campbell fans are truly the best fans in the world, except for maybe Eric Clapton’s fans. But second place is still really, really good.

In Other Publishing News. . . .

…Are you ready for what is coming?

The Double Feature Purple T-Shirt!

Here’s the initial design for the new Double Feature T-shirt! It shall be made publicly available once we have chosen an apropos quote for the back of it:

Double Feature Cover Art

You asked for it! Okay . . . You didn’t. But you get it nonetheless! Here is the cover for next month’s new g&c release, Double Feather! There is a typo on the cover regarding one author’s name being entirely wrong. However, you can count on the finished version of the novel being error-free!

A Sneak Preview of “Furry Piranha”

Double Feature is set for a release in mid-July. That means, for the next month and change, we’re going to be constantly reminding you of this fact, and encouraging you to buy multiple copies upon its release!

Of course, it also means we’re going to share some of the awesomeness that Double Feature will contain. Every Friday in June, we’ll be sharing something new and awesome about Double Feature. Today, it’s two teaser scenes from the first feature in Double Feature, Vernon D. Burns’s “Furry Piranha.”

…The sky was growing dark and tepid, like the final unfinished swallow of a very strong tea. The mosquitos were out in force, terrorizing the white folks. Vegas and Fidel had retired to the river bank, where they cautiously smoked and caked their brown skin in thick layers of mud.

 “Goddamned savages,” Cynthia said, slapping at an errant insect as it lighted on her skin. Her pale flesh, a real treat to behold in a dark room, was turning pink and splotchy, making her look more like a freshly plucked chicken than a hot number.

They’re the savages?” ejaculated Cliff Parker. “Look at them. They’re the only ones here who are even remotely comfortable! I’d say they are the only ones with their priorities in order.”

“If you like them so much, why don’t you marry them?” Cynthia retorted, drawing to her full height of five feet and four inches.

Cliff threw up his hands in disgust and charged toward the muddy bank. Amanda bit her lip in apprehension, while Cynthia fumed in self-righteous anger; the two women could not be more different.

“I wouldn’t get too much closer, cabron,” Vegas said.

“What?” Cliff asked absent-mindedly as he reached for some mud.

“Closer,” said Vegas. “I wouldn’t recommend it.”

Cliff’s look of confusion turned to one of terror as what looked like a toothy gray bullet covered in coarse brown hair shot from the water and snapped its impressive jaws just inches from his face before it disappeared into the depths once more. Cliff had never seen such a display, not even when he’d worked at the exotic pet store as a teenager.

“What the hell was that?” Cliff demanded, stumbling onto his backside in fear.

“Piranha,” Vegas and Fidel said in unison before sharing a hearty laugh. 

“That was no piranha,” Cliff insisted. “That damned thing was covered in fur!”

“Like I said,” said Vegas. “They mutated. After the U.S. government testing, the deforestation caused the water to get colder. The piranha grew fur so they wouldn’t freeze.”

“What? Really? That can happen?”

Fidel nodded sagely, tendrils of smoke drifting up his face and into the sky.

“Wait. What about the rest of the fish? Are they furry, too? Where are they?”

“Dead, cabron. Stone cold dead.”

 ——-

Not exciting enough for you? Alright:

Sweat dripped from Cliff’s chin as he struggled with the fishing rod, hoping it didn’t break. It was already bending dangerously as he tried to reel in whatever was on the end of his line. “Come to papa, you dirty little fish!” he said.

Finally, he reeled it in further. Hanging there and struggling against the wire was a four or five-inch fish covered in bushy grey fur.

He stared at it, still finding it hard to believe his eyes. Everything he understood about science was thrown into question by this hateful creature. Its solid white pupil seemed filled with hatred and the need to devour. It looked like a really angry toupee.

Just then, he heard a gun fire further down the river. Dropping the fishing pole into the water, Cliff jumped to his feet and rushed to the very edge of the promontory. Looking further down, he saw one of their guides standing in the water, firing down into the water, as the other guide swam through the water and pushed Amanda Handy’s unconscious body out of the water and onto the shore. 

Without reflecting as long as would have been advisable, Cliff dove from the cliff into the water and began furiously swimming toward the crazy shit that was happening. He didn’t care about anything in that moment other than rescuing that mysterious beauty, Amanda.

He felt dozens of little teeth clamp down on his bicep, trying to eat him. Grunting with pain, he forced that pain down with pure determination. His well-muscled arms cut through the water like the blades of a motor boat, his noble form moving rapidly toward Amanda where she lay on the shore, Vegas sliding his pants down as he crouched over her. A bunch of the furry fish, flipping from the water and making their way across land, seemed to be bouncing ever closer to the little brown guide.

Cliff dragged himself from the water, his robe left far behind, his chiseled torso glistening in the sunlight. He really wished he weren’t wearing Batman underwear, and now wished he’d just put on some normal clothes instead of wearing that goddamn robe while he was fishing. It was an entirely impractical article of clothing in the best of times; why had he even cleared up the space to bring it along into the jungle? a little battery-powered fan would’ve been more practical, that’s for sure. Or even a few extra issues of Men’s Health in case he grew bored.

Then, Cliff saw something that really caught him off guard. In one deft movement, Amanda grasped the guide and pitched him completely over her into the jungle. As part of the same fluid movement, she somersaulted further away, coming to her feet and pulling out two knives.

One of the piranhas chose this moment to make its move, flipping right toward her face. With a quick slice, Amanda cut the fish perfectly in half, bisecting it down the middle. Another fish then attacked and got a taste of the same medicine. Moving fiercely forward, her arms faster than a martial artist on cocaine, Amanda was bisecting fish left and right. A few of them made it past her blades and bit the fabric of her shirt, tearing parts of it away. Finally, though, Amanda stood panting, surrounded by blood and furry pieces of fish.

That’s when Cliff knew for certain there was something Amanda wasn’t telling him, and he wanted to get to the bottom of it. She was truly an amazing woman, and he thought that it would just take the right man to break through the wall of ice that surrounded her emotions.

Vegas came running out of the bushes, his pants back on, and he looked at the chaos surrounding Amanda. With his lip quivering, he said, “What are you doing out here? Scalping Indians?”

Amanda walked over to the water, rinsing fish blood from her arms. “If you ever try to rape me again, I’m just going to let the furry piranhas eat you,” she said, anger in her voice. Vegas recognized the seriousness of her tone, and bowed his head in shame.

Just then, Cynthia Bush rushed from the woods, running toward them in impractical designer high heels. “The Paconas! The Paconas! They’re coming for us!”

There you are. A couple small nibbles from the first entree! Keep checking back for a look at the book’s cover art, a couple choice scenes from “The Curse of the Screwnicorn,” and other excitement that we won’t reveal just yet.

If you haven’t read Gods of the Jungle Planet yet, now is the time to do so! Check it out on Amazon!

Praise for Gods of the Jungle Planet!

The power of Guy & Campbell continues to grow, as waves of praise continue to flood us, soaking all of our books and us as well, and we’re trying to remain afloat so we don’t drown and die!  Thanks, everyone!

Here are some of the excellent things said by exceptionally tasteful readers over on Goodreads:

“this book probably is to dude culture what Twilight is to the ladies.”

i hope this is in the running for best book of 2012 at the end of the year. i will certainly be voting for it.

Gods of the Jungle Planet is like Alien and/or Predator and/or Alien vs. Predator was skull-fucked to death by Harry Turtledove’s keyboard and revived by an Earth-shaking all-male Comicon orgy…on acid…and gang-raped by Steven Spielberg’s special effects team circa 1993…also on acid.”

“This book is fucking hilarious. It is insanity. It is far, far, far beyond the point of ridiculousness – Ladies and Gentlemen, we have reached Genius. Enjoy your stay.”

“this isn’t good, whatever that means. I don’t recommend it to the squeamish and the sensible. But I laughed out loud – or in the parlance of our times, lol’d – more often than was wise. Fuck wisdom when you’ve got sex scenes this gross, misogyny this dense, or assholes this flaming. Life is a continuity error, baby. Gimme some sugar. ”

“funny in a good way, like sex with a dinosaur or wearing a raptor suit and throwing ice cold water at men’s private parts…in space.”

“This book is a hell of a lot of fun!”

Yes, with careful cutting and pasting, we can find LOTS of good things people have inadvertently said about Gods of the Jungle Planet! As the release of Double Feature is rushing towards us rapidly, perhaps we should take this moment to bask in the excellence of Vernon’s first published work. What was your favorite quote? Mine is probably this:

“Unfortunately for Sampson, the naked mole rat was in heat at the moment.”

Thanks to all of the Goodreads reviewers who have written about Vernon’s first published book. Although he has been in the bathroom for the last two hours, I can assure you he is quite excited. It has been an action-packed five months since the book came out, what with reading reviews, and napping, and trying to keep Vernon sober. We are hoping you like Double Feature even more!

If you haven’t read Gods of the Jungle Planet yet, now is the time to do so! Check it out on Amazon!

Succulent New Books on the Horizon!

Well, it sure is an exciting time to be an unpaid employee at Guy & Campbell.  Still on the heels of Vernon D. Burns’s debut release, we’re looking forward to two more publications in the upcoming months.  We are simply oscillating with joy, I can assure you, and I would be oscillating even more wildly if we could get at least minimum wage for all of my effort and expertise, but apparently this is a good “learning experience.”

Like I said, we have great news!  April will mark the release of Double Feature.  What’s better than one book?  Depending on the book, the answer would be two!  Double Feature will include two novellas, both of them fitting somewhere into the genre of horror.  Vernon D. Burns will be offering up a brand new novella, “Furry Piranha,” to start off this  double threat.  Here’s what Vernon D. Burns has to say about the novella: “It’s a story about annoying people getting eaten by piranhas.  What the hell else would it be about?”  He also hinted that other dangers besides piranhas might be eating these annoying people, but he wouldn’t give any specifics.  He rarely does when he has been drinking.

The second offering in Double Feature will be “The Curse of the Screwnicorn,” an allegory about the dangers of unchecked scientific progress written by none other than Albert Clapp.  Mr. Clapp is an up-and-coming author, which means nobody’s heard of him yet.  But they will!  Double Feature will be available, like all Guy & Campbell titles that are currently in print, on the Amazon.com website.  Be the first one in your house to read it!

Following this orgasm-worthy release, June will mark another exciting milestone when we will be releasing Gwennifer Plodder’s debut horror novel, Visitor From the Deep.  Darwin Guy, co-manager of Guy & Campbell Publishing, has this to say about Visitor From the Deep: “Not since Gods of the Jungle Planet have I found myself so moved by a work of fiction.   This is certainly a groundbreaking work of fiction that reminds me strongly of what you’d get if you combined the subject matter of H.P. Lovecraft with the brilliant prose of Toni Morrison.  Truly, I can’t wait until it’s finished so I can find out how it ends.”

Well, won’t the next five-months be exciting?  A lot of exciting, awesome, super-cool events coming up, and more may be announced any day.  But don’t hold your breath.  If you do, you might die, or at least pass out, before anything new is announced.  Just check back every few hours or so.